Canadian Politics Today

Then, late last night, in a move that stunned conservationists everywhere and created a backlash amongst many of his piers, the president inexplicably called for an immediate ban on Scottish, Norwegian, and Mexican salmon, saying, “It’s the smoked salmon from outside our borders that are the biggest drag. They’re the gillty ones. As much as we like to say, ‘caviar emptor,’ these foreign fish are corrupting our nation’s streams and rivers and luring the grizzlies to attack because they smelt so good. We must protect America’s fish from these evil outsiders, put lox on all our borders, and make America bait again. Carp Diem!”   

Steve Bannon, the president’s top advisor and known whitefish supremacist, agreed. “We need to keep the foreign salmon out. The last thing we need in this country are more jiggers,” he boldly stated.