I've been in Edmonton visiting my family. Things aren't that good.
Mom has about a year left to live, they figure.
So I was back in Edmonton again last week, as mom is now in hospice. She went downhill so rapidly, and rather than a year to live she will be dead before September. She is applying for assisted death. The cancer attacked her intestines so aggressively that she is bleeding heavily inside, and her hemoglobin levels have fallen through the floor. She has no energy left. The slightest activity tires her. She can't even get out of bed now.
She told me that she loves me, and that she is proud of me. Those feel like two of the biggest lies she has ever told me. She never missed an opportunity to remind me that I was unplanned and unwanted. Nonetheless I was a complete wreck all week. I don't think I was actually distraught over mom, I think it was more like I was grieving the relationship that I never even got to have with her. Meanwhile my little brother, the one who was constantly doted upon, he could barely have seemed less concerned with it all. It seemed more like an annoyance for him... something that was taking up his valuable time and cramping his social life.
Lindsey was there with me for a couple of days, and she was a big help. Everybody appreciated how strong and steady she was, especially when dad and I were completely falling apart.
I think I'm fairly at peace with things right now. We've hardly talked for about 15 years. We said our goodbyes. I think I feel okay with closing this chapter.
-k