Had a huge fight with Linz yesterday. It will take "repairs" to get back to where we were, and I'm not really actually sure if I want to do it.
You guys don't know me. You know that online I talk loudly and say what's on my mind. In real life I'm soft spoken and go with the flow and play a part, and the part I play is whatever is socially appropriate to the moment. I remember feeling that the fictional character I relate to the most is Dexter, because Dexter had to present this fake facade to the world, to pretend to be somebody who wasn't him, to show feelings that he didn't actually feel just to pretend like he was a real person. I sent a message to one of the members here about this, because he knows about things. I said something like "I think maybe I'm autistic. I feel like I'm a fraud. I feel like I'm just a bad actor playing a part. I'm a fake." He told me to not try to diagnose myself, which is probably the best advice he could have given me. But I still feel that way and I haven't talked to my doctor or anybody else about it, so I still feel like Dexter. A fake, a fraud, a bad actor playing a part.
Anyway.
Linz is a "big personality". She domineers situations she is in, just by force of personality. That's how our relationship is. She's who she is and I'm who I am, and usually that has been okay for us because we are usually very in tune. But when we aren't in tune, she's a domineering personality and I'm a soft spoken softie who just wants to make conflicts end and that always plays out the same way and I don't know if I want to commit any more time to a relationship like that. I won't be someone's doormat, but if I commit myself to Lindsey I know that ultimately I'll always be her doormat and maybe I should just end it here rather than commit myself to a lifetime of hating myself for not being strong enough to stand up to her.
-k